As I left the grocery store, a red strobe came from every wall, sending all other shoppers into grand mal seizures. An auto tuned Morgan Freeman impersonator asked me to wait for an employee to assist me. A giant steel cage slammed down over me, separating me from my cart full of foodstuffs. I asked to be taken back to the security office so the ex-marine-looking gentleman eyeing my receipt could search for the stolen merchandise in my ass. But they wouldn’t do it. So I guess this Vizio LCD is mine.
What pisses me off about shoplifters is not that they violate social norms or contribute to the overhead that fuels price increases. It’s that they think they deserve some kind of dignity when they’re caught. You took a pack of Rolos, cock flap. You don’t get to walk to the back with a jacket over your hands and your head held high. You get to be tackled by seven cart-pushers and dragged, weeping, through the produce aisle, while they announce your legal name and address over the loudspeaker. You’re not taking a loaf of bread or a pair of baby shoes. You get no pity, queef whippit. Actually, even if you were, I’d still point and laugh because you’re fucking poor.
Even better: the fat bitch who tries to fight the security guys off. She’s always screaming something trashy, like “he’s trying to get down my panties!” or “Fuck you, man! I brought that chicken in with me!” or “Kick him in the nuts, Kenny!” She rolls around, pseudopods of corpulence stretching outward and covering onlookers with a yellow, pube-garnished paste before sliding back into the vicinity of her Tweety Bird tube top. She is the complete opposite of the “don’t draw attention to me” breed. She wants everyone to know that she’s the kind of nasty whore who hides crack rocks and stolen makeup in tampon applicators.
Stealing is wrong and hilarious. Seriously… is the cost of petty theft so high that it justifies the camera systems, security guys, electronic anti-theft systems and those little tag things that cum ink and battery acid? I have a great idea: smaller stores where inventories can be monitored by the people who actually work there. If you want one-stop shopping, go to the mall, shithead. Besides, they have corn dogs there. And corn dogs rule.
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